Louis CK's working on his pilot for CBS, but he's also inching closer to his second standup CD (his first is the only standup CD I've ever owned). There's a teaser over at Louie's homepage, or click right here for his thoughts on white trash (note: you don't want your boss overhearing this...).

*********

Conan's Celebrity Secrets are among the funniest things on TV...some highlights:

PATRICK STEWART SECRETS

"The original title of my movie Star Trek: Nemesis was actually Star Trek: Genesis. We were supposed to hunt down and destroy Phil Collins."

"I often dine with the queen, but to me she will always be simply 'Latifah.'"

"I know what you are wondering and the answer is yes, the curtains do match the carpet."

"If William Shatner ever pulls you into the bathroom and asks if you want to see the captain's log, just say no. I fell for that nine times!"

"Whenever I am considering a role I always ask two questions. Does the story contain a strong female character, and will my character at some point nail that ass."

"Back in the seventies some people thought I was related to Rod Stewart. They gave us some very dirty looks when we started dating."

MICHAEL CAINE SECRETS

"In the movie Sleuth I worked with the great Sir Lawrence Olivier. He was full of wisdom and one day said 'Michael, a truly great actor could step off a tall building and make himself fly like a bird.' Later he admitted he was trying to kill me."
"I'm actually not British. I got this accent by spending hours listening to Madonna interviews."

"Sometimes, people confuse me with Anthony Hopkins. Here's how you tell the difference. I'm the one nailing Mrs. Hopkins."

"I was convinced that the 'MC' in MC Hammer's name stood for Michael Caine. When I found out it didn't I destroyed his career."

"Katherine the Great died while attempting to have a horse lowered onto her for sex. I merely sprained my back."

SLASH SECRETS

"I got the name Slash because I used to work in a grocery store and I was in charge of reducing prices for really big sales."

"One time we played a concert in Antwerp, Belgium. At least I thought it was Antwerp, Belgium. Turns out it was a Stop 'n Shop in Wisconsin somewhere, but it was fun man."

"Someone once asked me what I liked better-kittens or puppies. And I said "'It's a tie man.' They said- 'Too close to call?' I said, 'No, man, too cute to call.'"

"My original nickname was 'Splash' because I loved that movie so much."

"I guess you could say there are two Slashes. There's the crazy, rock-and-roll Slash, he's wild. And then there's the real Slash- he collects miniature soaps and treats his hookers real nice."

"An anagram of Axl Rose is oral sex. Why do I know? Because when I'm not playing music I love solving erotic jumbles."



The mayor of Green Bay is having Cardinals' wide receiver Nathan Poole as a guest of honor for the Packers' playoff game and is also giving him a key to the city. Yeah, he was the guy who caught the incredible last second pass that beat the Vikings in Arizona.