Highlights from Conan's Quotables page (stuff from his monologue):

"Early this morning a rare earthquake, centered in Alabama, shook parts of the south. Nobody was injured but the tremors did set off thousands of those mounted fish."

"According to the Federal Trade Commission, two-thirds of all SPAM sent on the Internet contains false or misleading information. All I can say to that is, "Thanks for nothing, penis extender."

"A New York fitness expert has released an exercise book for nuns called 'Changing Habits: The Sisters' Workout.' The Vatican rejected the original title, 'Nuns of Steel.' "

"N 'Sync announced this week they are heading back to the studio to work on a new album. When asked about it, a spokesman said, 'They tried solo careers, but they're much more successful when they suck as a group.'"

"After his speech last night on the aircraft carrier, the president had dinner with 150 sailors. Bush said he spent the evening with 150 sailors because he wanted to see what it's like to be Christina Aguilera."