Conan's quotables...

"The 'New York Times' reporter who resigned after being accused of plagiarism may be paid as much as $1 million to tell his story in a new book. Not surprisingly, the book will be called, 'The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin.'"

"Today the US treasury unveiled a newly redesigned $20 dollar bill that contains more colors, including light blue, pale green and peach. The Treasury was responding to customer complaints that their money wasn't gay enough. "

"In Texas, for the second time in a month a man was arrested for publicly masturbating. Not surprisingly, the man doesn't wasn't a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off."